Oh, how I loathe this time of year… with everyone frolicking about, eager to spread their contagious spouts of love and joy to all. Luckily, I always have my trusty ‘anti love-joy’ repellant handy to ward off such undesirable pests. One quick spray and they will go running in the opposite direction! (Note; works well on cupid and love bugs also)
You’re probably asking yourself right now “Where can I buy this amazing repellent that this wise woman speaks of?” Well, I will gladly whip you up a bottle for the low, low price of 99.99! (Pricey, I know. But a girl’s gotta eat! And buy shoes… okay, mainly just shoes. Don’t judge me…)
Unfortunately, as amazing as this spray is, it doesn’t work very well on family members. And as we all know… this time of year brings out the worst in our loved ones, especially for us single ladies. They are like an aggressive infestation of fleas, gnawing intently away on a dog’s ass in the dead of summer. Painful to bare and almost impossible to get rid of! They lurk in shadowy corners, waiting to pulverize your self esteem with their insensitive inquiries of your love life (or lack thereof) as you try to make your way to the bathroom. They call you out at the dinner table, complaining of how your solo status has offset their table seating. And we can always count on hearing the “When are you going to settle down and start a family of your own?” speech. All, guaranteeing you to go home and cry yourself to sleep in the fetal position at the end of the night.
While you may not be able to zap away these pesky relatives (legally, at least), that doesn’t mean you have to take their bullying lying down. You can armor yourself, to not only fight back, but possibly even ‘one up’ your dueling blood, with just a few small tips to follow. Here’s what you’ll need to be successful:
1. Show up hung-over
This is a big one ladies! It will provide you with the shortness and sharp tongue necessary, that only last night’s bad choices can bring out, while in the company of family. Plus, a hangover always makes the food taste better.
2. Bring your own holiday Spirit… Alcohol!
Drink till you’re merry… or drunk again! If you can’t stomach it due to the night before, serve it up to your relatives. The entertainment of drunken family always lifts the spirit, swear!
3. Sarcasm. It’s a way of life!
If asked why you didn’t bring a date or if there is anyone special in your life right now, get creative in your response. An example: He couldn’t make it out of bed to join me; he’s still a little “tied up” from last night, if you know what I mean (followed by a wink). Or. Of course there’s someone special, all 10 of them are special to me!
Just remember to have fun with it… you may even become a new ‘favorite’ at the table in the process.
4. Bring a female friend along
If your family is relentless and you can’t seem to derail them with alcohol or words… play the GAY card! Nothing leaves relatives speechless quicker than the unveiling of a shocking hidden secret. You can always come clean as you’re walking out the door… or play that card straight into the ground if you choose to. Whatever works best! Even if they don’t buy into your little fib, there’s a good chance you just won yourself a “not invited back next year” pass to redeem. Score!
From my dysfunctional family to yours, Best Wishes and Happy Holidays!