My (Not So) Maid Of Honor Speech

I’ve always been an “emotionally challenged” person, in terms of verbally expressing matters of the heart. If my actions didn’t speak loud enough, or “I love you” didn’t suffice… I struggled.

I’m sure some of you are thinking “Why would that be a problem for a woman? Most men are the same way.” And I would have to agree, most men are… ironically, I’ve managed to stumble upon that lower percentile of “emotionally needy” men my entire dating life. One, where “Yeah… you know, ditto” doesn’t quite cut it as a thoughtful response.  Apparently, Cupid has a “prankster” side. Well played, Cupid… Well played.

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One of my dearest friends recently asked if I would be her Maid of Honor, to which I gladly accepted. While assembling the wedding invitations one night, she dropped the “speech” bomb on me. Without a second’s hesitation, I responded “No problem.” I mean… it’s not like I’m not capable of writing a speech for Pete’s sake. I write speech-like stuff all the time! So, what if I’ve not wrote an actual speech-speech before… it can’t be that difficult. I got this!

WRONG!!!

Later that night, I opened my laptop in preparation of starting the speech. After staring at a blank screen for about an hour, it finally sunk in. I wasn’t expected to give just any speech during her wedding; I had to come up with something endearing and mushy. Suddenly, my “No problem” statement turned into “FML!”

Another week has passed, since my initial attempt in writing a speech. I must admit, I think it’s coming along rather well. Here’s what I have so far…

I’d like to start by offering my condolences  congratulating the bride and groom…

It’s a work in progress…

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The Single Girl’s survival tips for the holiday season

Oh, how I loathe this time of year… with everyone frolicking about, eager to spread their contagious spouts of love and joy to all. Luckily, I always have my trusty ‘anti love-joy’ repellant handy to ward off such undesirable pests. One quick spray and they will go running in the opposite direction! (Note; works well on cupid and love bugs also)

You’re probably asking yourself right now “Where can I buy this amazing repellent that this wise woman speaks of?” Well, I will gladly whip you up a bottle for the low, low price of 99.99! (Pricey, I know. But a girl’s gotta eat! And buy shoes… okay, mainly just shoes. Don’t judge me…)

Unfortunately, as amazing as this spray is, it doesn’t work very well on family members. And as we all know… this time of year brings out the worst in our loved ones, especially for us single ladies. They are like an aggressive infestation of fleas, gnawing intently away on a dog’s ass in the dead of summer. Painful to bare and almost impossible to get rid of! They lurk in shadowy corners, waiting to pulverize your self esteem with their insensitive inquiries of your love life (or lack thereof) as you try to make your way to the bathroom. They call you out at the dinner table, complaining of how your solo status has offset their table seating. And we can always count on hearing the “When are you going to settle down and start a family of your own?” speech. All, guaranteeing you to go home and cry yourself to sleep in the fetal position at the end of the night.

While you may not be able to zap away these pesky relatives (legally, at least), that doesn’t mean you have to take their bullying lying down. You can armor yourself, to not only fight back, but possibly even ‘one up’ your dueling blood, with just a few small tips to follow. Here’s what you’ll need to be successful:

1.       Show up hung-over

This is a big one ladies! It will provide you with the shortness and sharp tongue necessary, that only last night’s bad choices can bring out, while in the company of family. Plus, a hangover always makes the food taste better.

2.       Bring your own holiday Spirit… Alcohol!

Drink till you’re merry… or drunk again! If you can’t stomach it due to the night before, serve it up to your relatives. The entertainment of drunken family always lifts the spirit, swear!

3.       Sarcasm. It’s a way of life!

If asked why you didn’t bring a date or if there is anyone special in your life right now, get creative in your response. An example: He couldn’t make it out of bed to join me; he’s still a little “tied up” from last night, if you know what I mean (followed by a wink). Or. Of course there’s someone special, all 10 of them are special to me!

Just remember to have fun with it… you may even become a new ‘favorite’ at the table in the process.

4.       Bring a female friend along

If your family is relentless and you can’t seem to derail them with alcohol or words… play the GAY card! Nothing leaves relatives speechless quicker than the unveiling of a shocking hidden secret. You can always come clean as you’re walking out the door… or play that card straight into the ground if you choose to. Whatever works best! Even if they don’t buy into your little fib, there’s a good chance you just won yourself a “not invited back next year” pass to redeem. Score!

From my dysfunctional family to yours, Best Wishes and Happy Holidays!

“Why are you still single?”, the dreaded question…

I cannot begin to describe the annoyance that builds within me when asked “Why are you still single? “. You might as well be asking “What’s wrong with you? “, both answers are the same. So here is my answer (detailed far beyond your desire with my own views added just for shits and giggles) to all inquiring minds. I bet next time you’ll think twice about asking after reading this!

Relationships these days… They no longer seem to be a union of two hearts but more so a “crutch” for many. It concerns me how some people can’t even spend a week being single before jumping into a new relationship or running back to the person that they just left. Especially if a person places themselves back in an unhealthy environment for no other reason than to serve as a “security blanket”. What happen to finding happiness within one’s self first and foremost? Why do so many people believe they need someone in their life to feel whole? Have we lost touch with ourselves so much that this certain mindset is now a requirement to feel happy? Personally this is one band wagon I have never been able to jump on. But do not confuse any of this as making me a bitter “man hater” with no desire to ever date again… That is hardly the case.

I have been single for almost two years now, following the separation and divorce from my ex-husband. Which I’m sure is making several of you raise an eyebrow along with judgment at this very moment. Save it! I have no intentions of deceiving anyone or falsifying my own experience in an attempt to validate my opinions. No, it hasn’t been the greatest two years of my life, but neither were the two years prior that I spent in a relationship. Did I choose to not get involved with anyone from the very beginning of these past two years you may wonder? The answer is no, I did nothing of the sort. Did I decline from every date I was asked out on? Hardly! Did I make poor decisions during moments of weakness fueled by loneliness? You bet your ass I did! Did I suffer through spells of bitterness and hatred? Um… have we met? Absolutely! I also drank excessively to numb my pain and cried myself to sleep more times than I would like to admit. I was self-destructive beyond a shadow of a doubt. But I couldn’t see the damage I was causing myself in those moments because I wasn’t allowing myself what I truly needed… time to heal.

What I did know was that in the midst of feeling betrayed by my ex I also lost my ability to trust my own thoughts and feelings. I doubted everything and everyone! And that was not something I could continue to ignore. I began to focus on “me” and more importantly my worth. Doing such made it easier to turn away any unwanted courtships, even in moments of loneliness. Of course I’ve had a slip up or two since, but nothing in comparison to what I had allowed only months prior. But at no point in my search to find myself have I ruled out dating completely. After all, the goal has never been to restrict myself of love indefinitely but to be proud of what I have to offer to another when that time comes.

As with any type of growth in life, be it physical or emotion, I became curious of how other people think and feel towards relationships and life in general. I chose to open my mind to other’s opinions and try to understand without inflicting my own personal judgments. I observed their actions in comparison to their words closely and unsuspectingly. The reward in doing such paid off impeccably! Imagine how differently a situation from your past could have turned out if you had been able to perceive it from five different angles at the same time. It also gave me back my confidence in being able to see people for what they truly are. I now feel like my own little version of Wonder Woman! Go ahead and let that sink in for a moment.

In conclusion, I am still single mainly because I have not met someone capable of filling the desires I require in a significant other. Many men may think they are Super Man, flying around, saving one little naive female heart at a time. But in truth most of them are nothing more than an over-sized ego, with a towel tied around their neck, portraying their self as the “Good Guy”.