My (Not So) Maid Of Honor Speech

I’ve always been an “emotionally challenged” person, in terms of verbally expressing matters of the heart. If my actions didn’t speak loud enough, or “I love you” didn’t suffice… I struggled.

I’m sure some of you are thinking “Why would that be a problem for a woman? Most men are the same way.” And I would have to agree, most men are… ironically, I’ve managed to stumble upon that lower percentile of “emotionally needy” men my entire dating life. One, where “Yeah… you know, ditto” doesn’t quite cut it as a thoughtful response.  Apparently, Cupid has a “prankster” side. Well played, Cupid… Well played.

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One of my dearest friends recently asked if I would be her Maid of Honor, to which I gladly accepted. While assembling the wedding invitations one night, she dropped the “speech” bomb on me. Without a second’s hesitation, I responded “No problem.” I mean… it’s not like I’m not capable of writing a speech for Pete’s sake. I write speech-like stuff all the time! So, what if I’ve not wrote an actual speech-speech before… it can’t be that difficult. I got this!

WRONG!!!

Later that night, I opened my laptop in preparation of starting the speech. After staring at a blank screen for about an hour, it finally sunk in. I wasn’t expected to give just any speech during her wedding; I had to come up with something endearing and mushy. Suddenly, my “No problem” statement turned into “FML!”

Another week has passed, since my initial attempt in writing a speech. I must admit, I think it’s coming along rather well. Here’s what I have so far…

I’d like to start by offering my condolences  congratulating the bride and groom…

It’s a work in progress…

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It’s Getting Hot In Here, So Take Off All Your Clothes

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Burning Down the House.”

Your home is on fire. Grab five items (assume all people and animals are safe). What did you grab?

My home is on fire? That figures… now that I no longer live in the house that I had hoped would go up in flames for half a decade or longer. This is why I don’t gamble.

Any who… if my home was on fire, I can only assume that I would be in the shower at that time. Because, convenience has never been a friend of mine.

So, the first item I would grab: A TOWEL!

Do I really need to give an explanation for this one??

The second item I would grab (while holding onto the towel with my other hand) would be: My Makeup Bag

There’s bound to be at least one hot Fireman on the way.

The third item: My cell phone

I’m going to need some way to save the hot Fireman’s number… and a way for him to call me later….

Fourth item: My Journal 

With my kind of luck, it would only partially burn and someone would read what was left. That “someone” most likely being the hot Fireman… Then I would have to change my name and leave the country.

And now… my Fifth and final item: My I.D. 

I’ll need it to get shitfaced at the bar later. After I realize that I didn’t grab anything of importance during the fire and that I am now SHOE LESS!!! 

Agree to Disagree…? You must have me confused with someone willing to compromise

Do you have a good friend or close relative with whom you disagree on a major issue (political, personal, cultural)? What’s the issue, and how do you make the relationship work?

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Agree to Disagree.”

First off, agreeing to disagree is nothing more than a “White Flag Waiver”, surrendering in defeat. And I’m hardly a “Quiter”. If you have enough guts to step up to the line and challenge me to a “battle of the wits”, then you better be prepared to fight till the bitter end. Or, at least until your argument is proven invalid with no verbal ammo left to fire . No guts, no glory!

Beware, though… the odds of you walking away victorious, are slim to none.

Along with me possessing the skill to twist my opponent’s words into a jumbled pile of “who gives a shit”, I also have a knack for making them eat those very same words as well. Nothing like trying to choke down a mouthful of your own regurgitated bullshit… Mmm… Tasty!

But, alas… even the indestructible Superman found himself a victim, to his sole weakness; kryptonite. With me, that sole weakness goes by a slightly different name… Mom. She is the most bull headed, opinionated, delusional woman known to man! This woman will argue, fight, kick, bite, scream and curse your entire existence, relentlessly, over  something as simple as a public Handicapped parking spot, then walk off bragging of her success. Did I mention that it was a “Public” Handicapped spot…?  It doesn’t matter how much knowledge you hold, how little she knows herself or your level of skill in debate, you’re going to walk away a loser… on purpose…  just to save your own sanity.

So, what major issue do I agree to disagree upon, when dealing with my mother?

 ALL OF THEM!!! fc43875bab27a5756804b0973d544c56