My (Not So) Maid Of Honor Speech

I’ve always been an “emotionally challenged” person, in terms of verbally expressing matters of the heart. If my actions didn’t speak loud enough, or “I love you” didn’t suffice… I struggled.

I’m sure some of you are thinking “Why would that be a problem for a woman? Most men are the same way.” And I would have to agree, most men are… ironically, I’ve managed to stumble upon that lower percentile of “emotionally needy” men my entire dating life. One, where “Yeah… you know, ditto” doesn’t quite cut it as a thoughtful response.  Apparently, Cupid has a “prankster” side. Well played, Cupid… Well played.


One of my dearest friends recently asked if I would be her Maid of Honor, to which I gladly accepted. While assembling the wedding invitations one night, she dropped the “speech” bomb on me. Without a second’s hesitation, I responded “No problem.” I mean… it’s not like I’m not capable of writing a speech for Pete’s sake. I write speech-like stuff all the time! So, what if I’ve not wrote an actual speech-speech before… it can’t be that difficult. I got this!


Later that night, I opened my laptop in preparation of starting the speech. After staring at a blank screen for about an hour, it finally sunk in. I wasn’t expected to give just any speech during her wedding; I had to come up with something endearing and mushy. Suddenly, my “No problem” statement turned into “FML!”

Another week has passed, since my initial attempt in writing a speech. I must admit, I think it’s coming along rather well. Here’s what I have so far…

I’d like to start by offering my condolences  congratulating the bride and groom…

It’s a work in progress…

It’s Getting Hot In Here, So Take Off All Your Clothes

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Burning Down the House.”

Your home is on fire. Grab five items (assume all people and animals are safe). What did you grab?

My home is on fire? That figures… now that I no longer live in the house that I had hoped would go up in flames for half a decade or longer. This is why I don’t gamble.

Any who… if my home was on fire, I can only assume that I would be in the shower at that time. Because, convenience has never been a friend of mine.

So, the first item I would grab: A TOWEL!

Do I really need to give an explanation for this one??

The second item I would grab (while holding onto the towel with my other hand) would be: My Makeup Bag

There’s bound to be at least one hot Fireman on the way.

The third item: My cell phone

I’m going to need some way to save the hot Fireman’s number… and a way for him to call me later….

Fourth item: My Journal 

With my kind of luck, it would only partially burn and someone would read what was left. That “someone” most likely being the hot Fireman… Then I would have to change my name and leave the country.

And now… my Fifth and final item: My I.D. 

I’ll need it to get shitfaced at the bar later. After I realize that I didn’t grab anything of importance during the fire and that I am now SHOE LESS!!! 

What I’ve learned so far…


I have learned to always be myself, even when it makes for awkward situations.

A front will always wear off.

That the world around you will continue. Even when you choose to sit idle.

Your heart will be broken by someone at least once in your life time.

A broken heart will heal if you let it…

People will let you down… often. It’s not always intentional though.

They will also surprise you when least you expect it.

Your dog will first and always be your best friend.

The “perfect person” is only a matter of an opinion.

Your opinion is merely that and nothing more. We all have one that differs at least slightly.

Your first impression isn’t always accurate.

There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs and actuality…  perception can alter truth.

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. But you won’t know for sure until you try

No matter what you have in mind for the future, it is going to do whatever it wants!

Just because you can doesn’t always mean you should.

I am only restricted by my own limits.

If you tell me I can’t I am going to wear myself out trying, just to prove you wrong.

Being made a fool of isn’t always so obvious…

No matter what I achieve I will always dream bigger.

If you back someone into a corner be prepared for them to strike.

A snake in the grass does not have to be cornered to feel threatened.

The moment you realize someone is not a friend, it is a moment too late.

Hate will destroy you if you let it consume you.

Speak your mind only when you want to. If you are being pressured to it will not be sincere.

Apologize when you are in the wrong and mean it!

Being the “bigger person” isn’t always easy but it is usually rewarding.

Not everyone will like you. You cannot change that without altering your true self

It’s okay to not be the center of attention in every situation.

Embrace new experiences… they are the keys you will need for unlocking new doorways in your future!