My (Not So) Maid Of Honor Speech

I’ve always been an “emotionally challenged” person, in terms of verbally expressing matters of the heart. If my actions didn’t speak loud enough, or “I love you” didn’t suffice… I struggled.

I’m sure some of you are thinking “Why would that be a problem for a woman? Most men are the same way.” And I would have to agree, most men are… ironically, I’ve managed to stumble upon that lower percentile of “emotionally needy” men my entire dating life. One, where “Yeah… you know, ditto” doesn’t quite cut it as a thoughtful response.  Apparently, Cupid has a “prankster” side. Well played, Cupid… Well played.

7158a179490ee061d84fb227367a5668

One of my dearest friends recently asked if I would be her Maid of Honor, to which I gladly accepted. While assembling the wedding invitations one night, she dropped the “speech” bomb on me. Without a second’s hesitation, I responded “No problem.” I mean… it’s not like I’m not capable of writing a speech for Pete’s sake. I write speech-like stuff all the time! So, what if I’ve not wrote an actual speech-speech before… it can’t be that difficult. I got this!

WRONG!!!

Later that night, I opened my laptop in preparation of starting the speech. After staring at a blank screen for about an hour, it finally sunk in. I wasn’t expected to give just any speech during her wedding; I had to come up with something endearing and mushy. Suddenly, my “No problem” statement turned into “FML!”

Another week has passed, since my initial attempt in writing a speech. I must admit, I think it’s coming along rather well. Here’s what I have so far…

I’d like to start by offering my condolences  congratulating the bride and groom…

It’s a work in progress…

Advertisements

Agree to Disagree…? You must have me confused with someone willing to compromise

Do you have a good friend or close relative with whom you disagree on a major issue (political, personal, cultural)? What’s the issue, and how do you make the relationship work?

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Agree to Disagree.”

First off, agreeing to disagree is nothing more than a “White Flag Waiver”, surrendering in defeat. And I’m hardly a “Quiter”. If you have enough guts to step up to the line and challenge me to a “battle of the wits”, then you better be prepared to fight till the bitter end. Or, at least until your argument is proven invalid with no verbal ammo left to fire . No guts, no glory!

Beware, though… the odds of you walking away victorious, are slim to none.

Along with me possessing the skill to twist my opponent’s words into a jumbled pile of “who gives a shit”, I also have a knack for making them eat those very same words as well. Nothing like trying to choke down a mouthful of your own regurgitated bullshit… Mmm… Tasty!

But, alas… even the indestructible Superman found himself a victim, to his sole weakness; kryptonite. With me, that sole weakness goes by a slightly different name… Mom. She is the most bull headed, opinionated, delusional woman known to man! This woman will argue, fight, kick, bite, scream and curse your entire existence, relentlessly, over  something as simple as a public Handicapped parking spot, then walk off bragging of her success. Did I mention that it was a “Public” Handicapped spot…?  It doesn’t matter how much knowledge you hold, how little she knows herself or your level of skill in debate, you’re going to walk away a loser… on purpose…  just to save your own sanity.

So, what major issue do I agree to disagree upon, when dealing with my mother?

 ALL OF THEM!!! fc43875bab27a5756804b0973d544c56

Say “Hello” to 2015, the New Year is officially here!

57e446bcc46fd52cd2e16aaf7e0f6905

Time to act upon those freshly made New Year resolutions, reset the personal goals list and wipe the slate clean. Ready… Set… Go!

Wait, where am I going again? New Year, you say? But it’s only Thursday… that’s not going to work, I can’t start in the middle of a week. I’ll start on Monday.

New Year’s Eve, for many, is a day of reflection and anticipation. It’s either the “Let’s do that again” day or the “Don’t let the door hit ya on the way out”. It’s the “Day” of days, where new beginnings are only a sunrise away.

For me, it’s the sad realization of how long I have to wait for my next paid holiday off. Other than that, it’s just another day…

Seriously, why do so many people see New Year’s Day as a day for starting over? Their life didn’t change, the date did. They’re going to wake up as the exact same person they were the night before. Considering they didn’t drink their weight in tequila and attempt to jump off the neighbor’s roof…

What do a ball drop and a change of the calendar have to do with changing one’s life? Hell, I’ll build a ball drop and buy a stock pile of calendars if that’s all it takes. Have a shitty week? Drop that damn ball! Here’s a new calendar, it’s “Do over” time!

Now, where’s my champagne?