A Poison Tree by William Blake

One of my all time favorite poems by William Blake. The words to this, while simple, hold so much power. It is a poem of greatest kind of revenge… karma. 

A Poison Tree

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow

And I watered it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright
And my foe beheld it shine
And he knew that it was mine

And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole,
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree

“Why are you still single?”, the dreaded question…

I cannot begin to describe the annoyance that builds within me when asked “Why are you still single? “. You might as well be asking “What’s wrong with you? “, both answers are the same. So here is my answer (detailed far beyond your desire with my own views added just for shits and giggles) to all inquiring minds. I bet next time you’ll think twice about asking after reading this!

Relationships these days… They no longer seem to be a union of two hearts but more so a “crutch” for many. It concerns me how some people can’t even spend a week being single before jumping into a new relationship or running back to the person that they just left. Especially if a person places themselves back in an unhealthy environment for no other reason than to serve as a “security blanket”. What happen to finding happiness within one’s self first and foremost? Why do so many people believe they need someone in their life to feel whole? Have we lost touch with ourselves so much that this certain mindset is now a requirement to feel happy? Personally this is one band wagon I have never been able to jump on. But do not confuse any of this as making me a bitter “man hater” with no desire to ever date again… That is hardly the case.

I have been single for almost two years now, following the separation and divorce from my ex-husband. Which I’m sure is making several of you raise an eyebrow along with judgment at this very moment. Save it! I have no intentions of deceiving anyone or falsifying my own experience in an attempt to validate my opinions. No, it hasn’t been the greatest two years of my life, but neither were the two years prior that I spent in a relationship. Did I choose to not get involved with anyone from the very beginning of these past two years you may wonder? The answer is no, I did nothing of the sort. Did I decline from every date I was asked out on? Hardly! Did I make poor decisions during moments of weakness fueled by loneliness? You bet your ass I did! Did I suffer through spells of bitterness and hatred? Um… have we met? Absolutely! I also drank excessively to numb my pain and cried myself to sleep more times than I would like to admit. I was self-destructive beyond a shadow of a doubt. But I couldn’t see the damage I was causing myself in those moments because I wasn’t allowing myself what I truly needed… time to heal.

What I did know was that in the midst of feeling betrayed by my ex I also lost my ability to trust my own thoughts and feelings. I doubted everything and everyone! And that was not something I could continue to ignore. I began to focus on “me” and more importantly my worth. Doing such made it easier to turn away any unwanted courtships, even in moments of loneliness. Of course I’ve had a slip up or two since, but nothing in comparison to what I had allowed only months prior. But at no point in my search to find myself have I ruled out dating completely. After all, the goal has never been to restrict myself of love indefinitely but to be proud of what I have to offer to another when that time comes.

As with any type of growth in life, be it physical or emotion, I became curious of how other people think and feel towards relationships and life in general. I chose to open my mind to other’s opinions and try to understand without inflicting my own personal judgments. I observed their actions in comparison to their words closely and unsuspectingly. The reward in doing such paid off impeccably! Imagine how differently a situation from your past could have turned out if you had been able to perceive it from five different angles at the same time. It also gave me back my confidence in being able to see people for what they truly are. I now feel like my own little version of Wonder Woman! Go ahead and let that sink in for a moment.

In conclusion, I am still single mainly because I have not met someone capable of filling the desires I require in a significant other. Many men may think they are Super Man, flying around, saving one little naive female heart at a time. But in truth most of them are nothing more than an over-sized ego, with a towel tied around their neck, portraying their self as the “Good Guy”.

What I’ve learned so far…

 

I have learned to always be myself, even when it makes for awkward situations.

A front will always wear off.

That the world around you will continue. Even when you choose to sit idle.

Your heart will be broken by someone at least once in your life time.

A broken heart will heal if you let it…

People will let you down… often. It’s not always intentional though.

They will also surprise you when least you expect it.

Your dog will first and always be your best friend.

The “perfect person” is only a matter of an opinion.

Your opinion is merely that and nothing more. We all have one that differs at least slightly.

Your first impression isn’t always accurate.

There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs and actuality…  perception can alter truth.

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. But you won’t know for sure until you try

No matter what you have in mind for the future, it is going to do whatever it wants!

Just because you can doesn’t always mean you should.

I am only restricted by my own limits.

If you tell me I can’t I am going to wear myself out trying, just to prove you wrong.

Being made a fool of isn’t always so obvious…

No matter what I achieve I will always dream bigger.

If you back someone into a corner be prepared for them to strike.

A snake in the grass does not have to be cornered to feel threatened.

The moment you realize someone is not a friend, it is a moment too late.

Hate will destroy you if you let it consume you.

Speak your mind only when you want to. If you are being pressured to it will not be sincere.

Apologize when you are in the wrong and mean it!

Being the “bigger person” isn’t always easy but it is usually rewarding.

Not everyone will like you. You cannot change that without altering your true self

It’s okay to not be the center of attention in every situation.

Embrace new experiences… they are the keys you will need for unlocking new doorways in your future!

On the other side

 

 

I walk in, I walk out
The door fatigues with every creak.

I take a step, I stop
My thoughts spinning like a Ferris wheel.

I look forward, I look back
Did the door just beckon me?

I reach, I pull
The knob falls off.

I start to push, I pause
I question that damn knob.

I contemplate, I hesitate
The door sighs loudly in relief.

I step back, I smile
Then bust that door right down.

Reborn

 

I focused on the dark
Till I no longer seen
The shadows of my past
Gazing back at me

I stood there in its silence
Vulnerable and blind
Willing myself to the madness
That lingered like a fog

I embraced as it consumed me
Cradling its presence with open arms
I let it course right through me
Till all I had felt was gone

I crumbled as it left me
Shivering from the coldness of the ground
And that is where I found me
Of new body, mind and sound

Image

 

 

My demons have not only learned how to survive my attempts of destruction but also how to adapt. They now present themselves in the form of a good idea and do not reveal their true identity until the damage cannot be undone. They taunt my inner being, dissolving any trace of good intention. From a sinner’s soul to an unholy saint… my demons romp, my demons play.

 

I looked for you…

 

I looked for you…
In every room
In the darkest corners
That I could seek

I looked for you…
Where flowers bloomed
Underneath the sun
Of an empty field

I looked for you…
Where you told me to
That when in doubt
You would always be

I looked for you…
Amongst the slue
Of familiar faces
In your favorite retreat

I looked for you…
Beneath the gloom
In a memory
Too clouded to view

I found you here…
After many tears
Resting still
Peaceful and free

I would like to dedicate this to Debbie Heaton

In loving memory of her husband, Jerry. RIP